Today in the pressure of resisting our own thoughts on what we should do about poverty, violence, and refugeless persons, always in the news we turn to the relinquishment of instincts, like when studying, do we memorize or hint at the assumptions underlying the study. When I took an accounting class, necessary as a Economics Student, I wrote in the margins all the assumptions they were making and said this is why I can’t study business. Why economics then, it’s the study of markets, what makes business work, the next most practical thing of study but not profit making alone. I was interested in practical as I knew I’d have to support myself as soon as I graduated and did at a think-tank, the RAND Corporation in Santa Monica, CA. Where? Santa Monica, California and I all the way from Detroit, MI, where? Detroit, Michigan. Bears repeating as I was the only person from Michigan in the seventies to move to California, they all moved to Ann Arbor where I studied and did not do dope, the five dollar charge originated there, not in Berkeley, CA. I did dope after I graduated and not again. We grew it and put in in Brownies, not the Girl Scouts but what we ate. Tee Hee, private joke.
When the brownies failed, I moved from family to a fancy well-worth it job: it taught me how to think and do excellent research that I use today in grant-writing. How do you make brownies with dope? Ask the Emperor of Japan; in his hidden journal he said, Brownies are excellent with dope but don’t tell the Girl Scouts as they alread are dopey enough. My little spot wanted to be a Brownie because they were gentle but Girl Scouts harbored resentments over badges. She went one year then quit. Excellent. Excellent. He wrote and I gieved for I wanted the quiet respite of Brownie Activity with no Badge requirement. I never understood badges and what was expected. My sister did and did quite well and has killer instincts to this day. I don’t and am still a Brownie. That’s how I recovered my instincts and to this day wonder about the news and it’s killer ability and whether we should forsake it all together as I do: I don’t read the news nor watch CNN as I like CNN as I like their approach which is corporate and watchful but not endearing like PBS. PBS forsook the news when Robin McNeal retired and took with him his gentle approach. Don’t do it alone I heard whispered by me and millions of others, to Jim but he did and he’s killer already. What do we have: corporate and killer kindness? I reprove both and read nothing but the internet and headlines on my homepage. It was recently wiped out, all my favorites by the same technician who came to help me with my computer. What gives? I believe innocence gives completely and Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, why don’t they have Browneis(?) wiped it out. How do I know? The killer instincts were protected in Girl Scouts and still are today. The gentle ones leave and get lost and stay home. I didn’t stay home but paid the price in lost love, lost work, and lost giving to others who don’t give back unless I support them materially, financially, and emotionally to be as I am inside. What is this, the national disease of women in the U.S. I hope not elsewhere, but I think it’s changing. Try this, don’t give to a friend and don’t give to a spouse and see the reaction. I didn’t give to a lover and even said, I’ll do it tomorrow and he moved out knowing I’ve changed so completely. I don’t like to give any more, not to be given to either, I can do that myself. I await a man who gives as much as I do and wait for that moment, that breathe of recognition. I met one once and still have him as a friend but he dates others so I’ll wait and see for myself others and I wouldn’t have if he hadn’t called me up. Why? I think I am upsettling and want to not settle for at least six years and I don’t want to tell him this I want him to settle himself and then I’ll tell him. But whispers say, tell him and wait and see his response of gratitude. But I am scared to let someone in as I prefer privacy, solitude and respite.
Blog: wait on instincts and you’ll be prepared for all with nothing in your life but salt, wait for heart and you’ll be prepared for all, but wait with both and see what arises. Never failed me the journaling expert of the century, both the 20th and the 21st: the current emperor of Japan excluded. In other words, trust yourself and both the heart and instincts and wait for the internal yes and you’ll find peace, joy even, I have and I have less than I’ve ever had but want what I got. My cat, my house, my yard, my couple of friends and peace and joy in abundance. See the papers and yearn but stay with yourself, read what you want and do nothing but respond and wait and wait and respond and it will come.
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